Left Flank

Leo Tolstoy writes,»Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.»

It's another Thanksgiving in Busan. The estranged couple across the street are screaming at each other. More cars are parked in the street where more children play. other houses are empty and silent. And, my wife and I will not celebrate Thanksgiving tomorrow with her family, but together alone on White Mountain in the morning.

I informed my mother-in-law today, that I did not want my wife to cook and clean tomorrow alone with her mother when another daughter-in-law has consistently refused every year (and every holiday) to do her fair share. I have endured my wife's frustrated anger every memorial, and I'm intent on ending her plight. She is, by Korean standards, the wife of the family's eldest son. My wife is the eldest child and only daughter and I'm the eldest of all the children. But, when we leave, my brother-in-law will take his place at the head of the family. His wife has borrowed money from our family for a swanky apartment, depriving it of almost all its savings, except mine, and raised her daughter, conceived before wedlock, with a nanny and her mother's help. But, she refuses to join our family for our ceremonies and help with our labors. Last New Year's Day, all the children helped our mother to prepare for the ceremonial meals. I thought the matter solved.

Our family is not unique. Men eagerly await Thanksgiving; women despise the drudgery. In private women claim the holiday as their least favorite; amongst the men, they are quiet. During American holidays, my own father jealously guarded his privilege to prepare the turkey, ham, or roast. My mother for years cooked for an entire family, and my aunt refused to help. My grandmother insisted my mother do it all alone. Finally, my father asked for a divorce, or for my mother to divorce my grandmother. The division of labor on holidays is a particular concern of mine.

So, my wife and I will go hiking in the morning and have breakfast on the mountain. We need to create our own traditions, and we have already agreed we would observe the holiday even in the States, including the jesa. I hope for my grandmother's sake my sister-in-law helps her. Both will have aunts, uncles, and grandparents to serve, none of which will help either. Neither son has shown any reverence, arriving late to ceremonies, if at all. Along with unhappy women, recalcitrant men are bad traditions.

It changes tomorrow at dawn for my wife and me.

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